Divorce

(This Position Paper was originally written July/Aug. 2010)

I wanted to share with you what I believe the Lord has revealed to me over the past month or so regarding the major trial that my family is currently grieving over. I have been praying for wisdom almost constantly since this trial began, with a greater focus on the relationship between Shari and I since she began staying elsewhere. I have talked with a lawyer, and the worldly wisdom they offered would not surprise any of us. I have also done a lot of reading on various topics related to this trial that numerous others have faced and discussed over the centuries. I seek to do what is right in the eyes of the Lord, regardless of what the world, the flesh, or the evil one throws at me. From that perspective alone, I offer the following position on which I stand.

“Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” – Matthew 19:6b, Mark 10:9

The Lord Jesus spoke this directly, in response to the Pharisees testing Him on the topic of divorce. Deuteronomy 24:1, where Moses commands the Israelites concerning divorce, is the test which the Pharisees are trying to trap Jesus in.

Deuteronomy 24:1: "When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some uncleanness in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, puts it in her hand, and sends her out of his house,”

Matthew 19:3-6: And some Pharisees came to Him, testing Him, and saying “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause at all?” And He answered and said, “Have you not read, that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh’? Consequently they are no more two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”

Instead of Jesus being trapped in a place where He would have to either agree or disagree with Moses’ teaching, He responded by accusing the Pharisees with not recognizing God’s true intent for marriage. It appears that the Pharisees had allowed Moses’ teaching on divorce, specifically the justification of “some uncleanness in her”, to become very broad. Jesus then quoted Genesis 1:27 and 2:24, and then concluded that they are no longer two, but one flesh. He then closed with His command, “Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate”.

This exact theme is then repeated in Mark 10:2-9. Jesus then discusses the topic of remarriage after divorce (Mark 10:11-12), but I won’t begin discussing that topic in this paper (it's coming next). What Mark added in his words was the reasoning behind why Moses allowed for divorce – simply put, because of the hardness of man’s heart.

Mark 10:2-9: The Pharisees came and asked Him, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” testing Him. And He answered and said to them, “What did Moses command you?” They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce, and to dismiss her.” And Jesus answered and said to them, “Because of the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept. But from the beginning of the creation, God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’, so then what God has joined together, let not man separate.

The Lord Jesus returned the standard of marriage and divorce to God’s original intention. Simply put, God created marriage (it is not a social institution) and thus only He has the right to abolish it. This teaching was so “radical” from the views at that time that the disciples immediately began to question Jesus about marriage in general (Matthew 19:10 and Mark 10:10).

Many arguments are made regarding “acceptable” divorce by quoting the Lord Jesus in Matthew 5:32 and Matthew 19:9. I started out with Matthew 19:6 and Mark 10:9 to set the bar for “acceptable” divorce based on what Jesus said. Simply put, there are no “acceptable” grounds for divorce if my interpretations of Matthew 19:6 and Mark 10:9 are correct. However, did the Lord give an “acceptable” reason for man to divorce in Matthew 5:32 and 19:9? My response is no, and yes.

Matthew 5:31-32: Furthermore it has been said, ‘Whoever divorces (apoluo) his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I say to you that whoever divorces (apoluo) his wife for any reason except sexual immorality (porneia) causes her to commit adultery (moichao); and whoever marries a woman who is divorced (apoluo) commits adultery (moichao).

Matthew 19:7-9: They said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to give her a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?” He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, Moses permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality (porneia), and marries another, commits adultery (moichao); and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery (moichao).”

Notice here that Jesus states that any reason for divorce except “sexual immorality” leads to sin. How then can we reconcile the passages – with Matthew 19:6 and Mark 10:9 saying that only God can separate a man from his wife, and Matthew 5:32 and 19:9 saying that a man can separate from his wife over sexual immorality? I believe the answer is found in the Greek text, which I alluded to above:

Moicheuo (root) –means “to commit adultery”, and is used in the context of adultery during marriage. It is used in Matthew 5:27, 5:28, 19:18, Mark 10:19, etc. Also, the derived forms (moichao, meaning “commit adultery” in the middle voice, and moicheia, meaning “adultery”) are used in places such as Matthew 5:32, 15:19, and 19:19, Mark 7:21, 10:1,1 and 10:12, etc.

Porneia – means “sexual immorality”, which has a much broader meaning than adultery. (Matthew 5:32 and 19:9) It is used to refer to incest (1 Cor 5:1) and premarital sex (1 Cor 7:2). Jesus himself was accused by the Pharisees of being “born of sexual immorality” (porneia) in John 8:41. They were denying the virgin birth of the Lord Jesus.

“For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries (moicheia), fornications (porneia), thefts, false witness, blasphemies.” – Matthew 15:19

Matthew himself saw a distinction between both words, as he uses both of them together when listing out vices in Matthew 15:19. Also, both Matthew 5:32 and 19:9 use porneia as an exception shortly after having used moichao to refer to adultery. Thus, the two words must have a different meaning.

If Jesus is giving us an exception for when a man to divorce his wife after marriage, the word used (porneia) would allow legitimate grounds for divorce over many “sexual immoralities”. I submit that this could include such things as your spouse committing emotional adultery (adultery in the heart), your spouse struggling with “wandering eyes”, your spouse viewing explicit material/movies, etc. Because of that, I don’t believe that this exception was given to give us broad grounds with which we can divorce our spouse.

What then is Jesus referring to in Matthew 5:32 and Matthew 19:9? I believe that if we examine Matthew 1:19 and John 8:41, we gain an understanding of what the Lord Jesus was saying.

Matthew 1:19: Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not wanting to make her a public example, was minded to put (apoluo) her away secretly.

John 8:41b: Then they said to Him, “We were not born of fornication (porneia); we have one Father--God.”

The word for “to put” in Matthew 1:19, apoluo, is the same word translated as divorce in Matthew 5:32 and Matthew 19:9. Mary was betrothed to Joseph when she was found with child, but they were not married (they were married in Matthew 1:24). Thus, Joseph sought to divorce Mary over her sexual immorality (porneia, as the Pharisees falsely accused in John 8:41) during the betrothal but before they were married.

The Jewish people viewed betrothal as a very serious commitment for a man and a woman, unlike today’s worldly and glib attitude toward engagement. I believe Jesus was saying that a man can divorce his wife during the betrothal period if she is sexually immoral during that time; thus He was also justifying Joseph in his desire to put away (divorce) Mary, which Matthew had previously mentioned in Matthew 1:19.

Thus, I return to my previous answer of “no, and yes” to the question “did the Lord give an ‘acceptable’ reason for a man to divorce”. I believe that during the betrothal period but prior to marriage, a man can divorce his wife on the grounds of sexual immorality. I also believe that, once married, no man can divorce his wife for any reason. Consequently, this holds true for a wife divorcing her husband. Only God can separate that which He has joined together.

Is this viewpoint consistent with the whole of scripture? I believe it is.

1 Corinthians 7:10-11: Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.

This passage clearly states that divorce is not an option; however it seems to contain a provision that if a wife departs (though Paul doesn’t the reasoning for this departure), she is to remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. The word for depart is chorizo, which means “to place a room between (i.e. part)”, and is the same word the Lord Jesus uses in Matthew 19:6b and Mark 10:9 when He said “Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate (chorizo).”

Paul already stated that this command was from the Lord, so it only makes sense that Paul would use the identical word that Jesus used. So, the provision indicates that if the wife leaves her husband (again, we don’t know the reason for leaving, though it can be implied that something very severe is occurring, such as life threatening abuse or some other horrific condition), she should remain unmarried or be reconciled. This verse never allows for divorce, but shows that those who have been separated should at least seek reconciliation.

Verses 10 and 11 seem to be directed at married couples who are both believers, since Paul starts out verse 12 by saying “But to the rest I, not the Lord, say…” This is now contrasting the previous two verses, since Paul states this is directed at “the rest”. Paul then continues to discuss marriage between a believer and a non-believer, and this is continued through verse 16.

1 Corinthians 7:15: If the unbelieving partner desires to separate, let it be so; in such a case the brother or sister is not bound. For God has called us to peace.

I believe that this passage can be understood to mean that if an unbeliever seeks a divorce while in a marriage, then the believer is actually commanded to allow it to happen. The believer is not to be bound as a slave, and likely in a state of conflict and/or grief, to the unbeliever. As a child of God, we are called to be children of peace. If the unbeliever departs, then the believer is free in letting him or her go. However, the believer is the passive party, not the active party, in the separation.

Romans 7:1-3: Or do you not know, brethren (for I speak to those who know the law), that the law has dominion over a man as long as he lives? For the woman who has a husband is bound by the law to her husband as long as he lives. But if the husband dies, she is released from the law of her husband. So then if, while her husband lives, she marries another man, she will be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from that law, so that she is no adulteress, though she has married another man.

1 Corinthians 7:39: A wife is bound by law as long as her husband lives; but if her husband dies, she is at liberty to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.

Both Romans 7:1-3 and 1 Corinthians 7:39 continue to show that a woman is bound to her husband until he dies. The converse of this would also be true, that a husband is bound to his wife until she dies. There is no mention of divorce to break the bonds of the law. Only God has the authority to separate that which He has joined together.

Malachi 2:16: “For the LORD God of Israel says That He hates divorce, For it covers one’s garment with violence,” Says the LORD of hosts. “Therefore take heed to your spirit, That you do not deal treacherously.”

Clearly, if the LORD God hates divorce, we should walk in obedience to Him. Scripture is filled with imagery of our relationship (and Israel’s) with our Lord as a marriage. We don’t deserve Him, and we walk in disobedience to Him daily, but He has promised never to ‘divorce’ us. Are we not called to be imitators of Christ?

I close with this passage from Jeremiah 3:1-15:

“They say, ‘If a man divorces his wife, And she goes from him And becomes another man’s, May he return to her again?’ Would not that land be greatly polluted? But you have played the harlot with many lovers; Yet return to Me,” says the Lord. “Lift up your eyes to the desolate heights and see: Where have you not lain with men? By the road you have sat for them Like an Arabian in the wilderness; And you have polluted the land With your harlotries and your wickedness. Therefore the showers have been withheld, And there has been no latter rain. You have had a harlot’s forehead; You refuse to be ashamed. Will you not from this time cry to Me, ‘My Father, You are the guide of my youth? Will He remain angry forever? Will He keep it to the end?’ Behold, you have spoken and done evil things, As you were able.”

The Lord said also to me in the days of Josiah the king: “Have you seen what backsliding Israel has done? She has gone up on every high mountain and under every green tree, and there played the harlot. And I said, after she had done all these things, ‘Return to Me.’ But she did not return. And her treacherous sister Judah saw it.

Then I saw that for all the causes for which backsliding Israel had committed adultery, I had put her away and given her a certificate of divorce; yet her treacherous sister Judah did not fear, but went and played the harlot also.

So it came to pass, through her casual harlotry, that she defiled the land and committed adultery with stones and trees.

And yet for all this her treacherous sister Judah has not turned to Me with her whole heart, but in pretense,” says the Lord.

Then the Lord said to me, “Backsliding Israel has shown herself more righteous than treacherous Judah. Go and proclaim these words toward the north, and say: ‘Return, backsliding Israel,’ says the Lord; ‘I will not cause My anger to fall on you. For I am merciful,’ says the Lord; ‘I will not remain angry forever. Only acknowledge your iniquity, That you have transgressed against the Lord your God, And have scattered your charms To alien deities under every green tree, And you have not obeyed My voice,’ says the Lord.

“Return, O backsliding children,” says the Lord; “for I am married to you. I will take you, one from a city and two from a family, and I will bring you to Zion. And I will give you shepherds according to My heart, who will feed you with knowledge and understanding.

No matter how much we disobey our God, He will not break His marriage covenant with us. May we be quick to repent and turn from our sins.

I understand that what I have presented above is extremely “conservative” (I apologize, as I couldn’t think of a better word) and is probably not the view held by many (if any) of you. I am certainly not here to argue over my viewpoint on Biblical divorce. I simply want to share with you what I believe the Lord has revealed to me. All the above, though I wrote it (save the scriptural references!), is by no means unique to me. I can take no credit for this material. I’ve been reading a lot of material with numerous positions, praying for wisdom continually, and waiting patiently for the Lord to grant it to me, which I believe he has done. Thus, all the credit is His.

When I started reading, studying, and praying, I was actually looking for grounds to divorce my wife. She had already left the house, and I was under what seemed like continual grief. I even remember breathing a sigh of relief when I turned to 1 Cor 7:15 and thought to myself “Since she has departed and has talked about her desire for divorce, I can divorce her.” I am glad that I didn’t rush out right then and call the lawyer. I am very, very grateful that the Lord continued to burden me over this, while giving me the patience and wisdom to continue seeking His will.

Since I have realized this viewpoint, the Lord has given me a great peace. I have fully accepted this position, and am committed to being steadfast in my resolve to do what I believe is His will regarding divorce, which I have presented here. While this trial is very difficult and the grief I have seems almost unbearable at times (well, almost continually), I am filled with joy knowing that the Lord is with me and will never forsake me.

Finally, for this trial’s end I pray the following:

Though it tarries, wait for it; Because it will surely come, It will not tarry. (Habakkuk 2:3b)

Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord!

In Christ,
Ric

FOLLOW-UP: Since I wrote this paper, two significant events have happened. The first was that I allowed fear and anger over certain events and accusations during this trial to cause me to stray from the above position. The straying was entirely my fault, and was the result of my disobedience to the Lord. God doesn't give us a spirit of fear, so when we act out of fear we almost certainly are not doing so in obedience to Him.

By allowing myself to give into fear and anger, I actually went to a lawyer and began divorce proceedings against my wife. I felt "justified" from two thoughts. First, to "divorce" means to separate from, which my wife had actually done. I thought to myself "Does God care about the act of separation, or the worldly and 'legal' aspect of divorce". The second thought was "How did they view this in the Westminster Confession of Faith". I sought out the Confession of Faith and noticed that they allowed for divorce once your spouse abandons you (though it's not as simple as that, and I didn't pray and seek the wisdom I needed to realize what they were truly allowing for at the time). Armed with such poor justifications, I ran forward and straight into disobedience.

A few days later, my wife was served papers. Needless to say, that day was probably the lowest and most heartbreakingly painful day of my life. But God, who is rich in mercy, turned that horrible day into a day of rejoicing! For the first time in what seemed like forever, my wife and I actually talked. We poured out our hearts to each other, cried, and talked! Did I mention that we talked?! Before the sunrise the following morning, I had already contacted my lawyer and requested a "Motion To Dismiss", which was later granted, praise God! The Lord used my terrible mistake for good, and returned peace to my spirit!

Since that day, my wife and I continue to talk. Unfortunately, it seems she still desires to divorce me. I simply stand in the amazing peace that the Lord has given me since I dismissed my divorce action and helped to expunge the records. It's a wonderful picture of God's "forgive and forget" treatment toward those who repent, as seen in Psalm 103, and is the reason He has given me such peace. When we walk in His ways and draw near to Him, we begin to properly understand and use the spiritual blessings that are already ours (Eph 1:3).

No matter what happens, how difficult or grievous anything is, or how disobedient anyone else is, I know that I am firmly seated in God's hand, from which nothing can snatch me away. I pray that I continue to walk in obedience, with a proper fear of the Lord, and with a growing spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him!

Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure. (Phil 2:12-13)

I Have Returned!

Wow, after almost two years of posting absolutely nothing, and with very little to build upon, I have returned to continue my blogging adventure. So much has happened over the past two years, and I want to share some of those things with people who might be interested. The Lord has continued to be gracious to me and my family, because the Lord is good! Is it not God who sends rain on the just and the unjust, and makes His sun rise on the evil and the good?

As some of you know, my wife, my girls, and I are going through a very difficult trial. My wife moved out roughly 3 months ago. She was and continues to be under very heavy burdens, many if not most of which were caused by me. Over the past several years, I had been growing more and more consumed with myself and what I wanted to do without much regard to my wife or my family. I would return from work and sit on the computer, spending much of my time focused there and not on my family. The weekends, unfortunately, were not much different. Sure, the family would still do things, but those times were growing fewer and fewer, and my wife was being forced to “do it alone”. I was still spending time with the girls, though certainly not nearly as much as I should have been. I was still spending time with my wife, though usually when it was time to go to bed. Needless to say, I was consumed with pure selfishness, or pride if you will, and I didn’t see the burden it was putting on my wife. I most certainly was not loving my wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her (Eph 5:25).

Over the course of the past several years, the Lord was lovingly chastising me for my behavior. That in itself is a glorious thing, since He chastises His children. However, my conviction never really lasted long. I would give up some of my weights and sins for a time, but would always return. That reminds me a lot of Proverbs 26:11 and 2 Peter 2:22, sadly.

As a dog returns to his own vomit, So a fool repeats his folly. (Proverbs 26:11)

But it has happened to them according to the true proverb: "A dog returns to his own vomit," and, "a sow, having washed, to her wallowing in the mire." (2 Peter 2:22)

In its most basic form, I was refusing to repent from this weight and sin. I would address the issue by leaning on my own strength, which quickly would be overcome and fail. I praise God that He finally poured out such conviction over my spirit that I was driven to true repentance over my sin. However, I had already done a lot of “damage” to my wife and family. I remember standing before my whole family the day following my repentance, telling them that my sin was inexcusable but that the Lord had led me to repentance and had forgiven me. I then asked them to do the same thing.

I will never know the burden I placed on my wife of my family during those years. From my wife’s perspective it, along with her other burdens, were heavy enough that she felt that leaving me was the only way out. My youngest girls must now face the consequences of sin by “bouncing” back and forth between my wife and me. While I know that I am not “solely” responsible for all the burdens, I know that I contributed a lot. Sin is never without consequences.

Over the past few months since she moved out, I have had a lot of time to read, study, and pray over things. I have put a lot of time and tears into two topics, namely divorce and remarriage (for my own sake), and thought that I would share my position with everyone. I also figure that my posts can be more frequent in the future, given my much wiser use of the time God gives me. I know that the Lord has given me a lot of wisdom throughout this trial in answer to countless prayers, and I would be a fool not to share it with everyone.

I have found several verses that have greatly encouraged me, and this is one of them:

My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways. (James 1:2-6)

Let us all pray, asking for wisdom, and have the faith to wait diligently for the Lord to supply us with it. His timing is perfect, while ours is anything but. In this we learn patience.

Grace be with you all!

In Christ,
Ric